Heavy Boots.

I'm having a very philosophical (heavy) day and debating in my head reality, existence, knowledge, values, reason and what to do with this as I raise Ellie.

The reality that I can’t always protect her. That she is going to get hurt and I can’t stop it. That my sweet child will feel pain that I can’t fix. That she feels some small pains now that I can't control and even some I cause.

The reality that when she gets older she might hate me for several choices I made in my life or hers. But of course I hope she will be wise enough to know I’m human and that doesn’t change my love for her.

The reality that she might be like me in the things I hate about myself and hope she is better at improving.

The reality that when she starts making her own choices she may chose her dad for things I want her to chose me for and vice versa.

That her existence is a gift and I don’t get to choose for how long. That mine is also and what if I’m taken from her? How horrible and how lonely she might be.

That I want her to have strong values, but I want her to be open-minded enough to decide who she is and what she stands for on her own. To not be judgmental, to love and accept others and their values (or lack of) when they differ from hers.

I want her to learn to rely on herself, but that it’s okay to also rely on others. It's also okay to show weakness. But the reality that I don't know how to really teach many of these things I just rambled about.

Third grade has been such a hard adjustment for us. School is more difficult, homework is more time consuming. We have not easily adjusted to the extra effort this year is calling for and Ellie’s scores are starting to reflect that. Yet she is such a bright kid. How do I force her to do more than she is already doing?

Where is the line between being an 8 year old that should be care-free and being an 8 year old that needs to worry, and focus and be even more disciplined with school? There are only so many hours in a night and I just believe some of them should be for playing. She’s 8.

But of course I want her to learn discipline and to be accountable for herself and to have a good education and to work hard. But I don’t want her to cry when she gets 85% instead of 95%. Yet of course I want her to get 95% if she is capable.

I want her to stay honest. To not cheat, but to get what she earns (even though in reality life at time cheats and rewards us beyond our control.)

I want her to be able to be a kid, at least for now. And I’m not sure when that changes.

I want her to know she is smart, beautiful, sweet, and sensitive. I want her to have self-confidence. I want her to know I try to give her a good balance of exposure to life, and of course the best of everything I can. I want her to know how much I love her. More than anything. Words don't really describe it of course.

Why is life so heavy some times? To quote one of my favorite fictional characters.. "Heavy Boots."