03/21/2004; PM. I was excited to start a family. I was so happy with my family and thankful for a husband that was kind and also excited to start a family. He was nervous and excited and one of the things I loved most was I could see both of those emotions mirroring mine. I remember telling Garred how happy I was, that I didn't recall ever being happier. That I was nervous about the upcoming change, but also excited.
03/22/2004 -11:45 AM. I was facing East in my hospital room. I was nervous. It was just about to the time when I was going to begin pushing. I had been in the hospital room since 8:00 AM. Garred was there supporting me fully. I could see his emotions and I will always be grateful to him for this day. It was a magical day and he was the perfect husband in the labor room. I honestly was so thankful for him and everything he did that day. I don't remember being angry or asking him not to touch me. I just remember him being so supportive and wearing his emotions on his sleeve. They were comforting. Jed was there off and on. Anxious for the process to be done and anxious to get a new motorcycle. Emalynn was there. Nervous for me, excited for me, supportive of Jed, supportive of me. Just trying to make all of her children happy (not much has changed there). The Dr. wasn't there. I had no idea the next four hours would be so hard.
03/22/2004 - 4:15 PM. Ellie was born. I was relieved labor was over. I was excited to have her. I was not so excited that they handed her to me all slimy. I wasn't prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for a lot of things. I remember the nurse asking me a few moments later if I had tried to feed her. I remember thinking, "How in the hell was I supposed to know when to do that?" "Can't you give me some helpful hints here?" Later that evening I remember thinking and expressing to Garred how much love I had for Garred and Ellie and how it was a love like I had never felt before.
03/21/2013 7:45 PM. Thinking back to 03/21/2004. Feeling like a failure of a parent. Feeling guilty for not maintaining the family I had created in 2004. Feeling responsible for all of the negative aspects of Ellie's behavior and character. Wondering how I could try to help her correct those now. Feeling nervous about the negative things in life she will experience, both by her own doing and also by others. Wondering when she will be angry at me for the divorce. Hoping she will be able to work through that and realize I am human but love her more than anything. Ellie thinks nine is fine (not great like eight). Ellie doesn't like growing up and the responsibility of it. I feel heavy.
03/22/2013 - Before 8 AM. Ellie is 9. Ellie asked for bacon, eggs, toast and OJ for breakfast. I failed on the bacon, I feel heavy again. I don't eat bacon and purchased turkey bacon thinking it was more healthy. Well, it may be healthier but I guess it's disgusting. I am thinking, "How in the hell am I going to raise a teenager? Can you give me some helpful hints here?"
03/22/2013 - Later in the day. I'm not feeling so heavy, metaphorically. I am thankful for Kevin and don't know how I was blessed with two amazing husbands in my life. I am undeserving, but I love my family. I am so happy with my husband. I am so happy to spend lunch time at school with Kevin, Ellie and her friends - we took her McDonald's and she is happy with her french fries. Much better than turkey bacon!
03/22/2013 - After school. Grams came over (again supporting me and my family) to have a mini-party. She is so great to support us. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her as a mother and am sorry for the heavy days I caused her. Ellie wanted a cake to shove her face into. (Last year in her cards from the kids at school someone had asked if she had ever shoved her face in a cake. She had decided this year she wanted to.) She hesitated going to far into the cake, so Grams "helped" her succeed at getting her entire face in. I am happy that the day is going well and my family is there to support Ellie.
03/22/2013 - After cake. We all had a great laugh, got Ellie cleaned up, opened presents and enjoyed a bit of time together before Ellie was off with her dad for the night, I am excited she gets to spend time with both parents on her birthday. I am happy we have a good relationship with her dad. I am thankful he seems to have forgiven me and is so supportive of Ellie. Ellie seems happy and we are super excited about the day to follow, her birthday party. I am anxious to give Ellie her party the next day and enjoy giving her all I can. I hope she is appreciative and not just spoiled. I love her so much.
Dear Ellie, life is so full of ups and downs. Just in the journey of one day so many emotions are experienced. I hope in the end of each day like this one we move on from the past (easier said than done) and find love in our family, however it is defined. I hope we can forgive ourselves and forgive others. I have we can celebrate our accomplishments and work on bettering our faults. Along the way I hope we stop to smash cake in our face. Happy ninth birthday my sweet child. I know you are feeling nine is just fine, but I guarantee together we can make it great like eight. I love you more than anything humanly possible. I love you until space ends and you know it never does.
